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In my life, no matter what the situation, I've always been told or told myself to stop dwelling in the self-pity, to get over it, move on and be happy..."...everyone else is fighting a harder battle." The benefit has been propulsion forward and the ability to quickly cope with situations that have disappointed me.
I feel lately though, that I haven't been able to get over stuff and be happy; that theres a growing disconnection that seems to keep getting worse. I do as I've always been taught, always been told: go to class, get involved, spend time with people...but nothing really changes. The disconnection grows; self-pity mounts, and I spend more time depressed.
Disengaging from people only makes it worse; re-engaging doesn't help. New engagements don't work...it feels like my problems always fall to the side, that others are more important, that I have to be the strong one, the funny one, the one whose life exists only outside the group.
This is painful to write, and I don't feel like I'm exaggerating it, although any translation from what I feel into what I write feels exaggerated and phony in some way; I guess (hope?) that it is a curse as a writer.
I don't know. I feel happy most days, or more to the point, I feel engaged most days, and this emotional muck doesn't bother me. When the engagement ends - whether it be job, theater, writing, family, friends, whatever - the muck enters.
In high school, when asked what I wanted to do with my life, I always said that I wanted to be that technical adviser that people came to when they needed something done. I fear that thats what I've become, and only that:t people only come by when they need something, not to just be around me. I'm tired of seeking people out only to be ignored in return.
I've heard this "emotional drivel" (not really, its more my mood talking...) from other people, usually in LiveJournals (note: this is not meant to anyone in particular, as it seems to be a universal phenomenon - which in itself is slightly comforting) and I just want to slap the person and show them the good in their life: that it is truly worth living, and that whatever black hole you're trapped in is temporary...
...I read what I've written and I remember the other people's stuff and I want to slap myself. Is it a valid concern or is it my self-pity emotional muck climbing to the surface again?
I'm caught in the cycle again, and I need to drift off to sleep.
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"Writing Aloud" was fantastic. I became the Pat Doran fan club when nobody realized his connection to La Salle...he did a fantastic reading of a short story relating hurricanes to the marital fights of a husband and wife.
The show is...the show. What I've seen is fantastic, if only it would stay the same between two rehearsals. The actors are trying their hardest, and Louis is trying his hardest, but theres something between them both. And I'm in the middle: caught in the middle between seeing the good in the actors and seeing the deficiency from what Louis wants...the whole curse and cycle and muck...see above.
There is so much work that lies undone for this week, but I lack the initiative to do any of it right now.
"Just wait until tomorrow,
Tomorrow they'll all climb aboard!
...
Look on the bright side-
Trust in tomorrow-
And the Lord!