September 25, 2002

when you're at your lowest, life likes to kick you in the nuts

Sorry about that image; I thought of that on the way to the bathroom and had to use it. You understand.

Yesterday was bad; I have severe abandonment issues for some strange reason, and everything seemed to point that I was being abandoned. Despite my every action that I've taken in recent memory, it still continues to stack up against me...the aloneness, the solitude, sometimes the emptiness. My search attempts out of this didn't help on Monday night; I knocked, no one answered.

I was tired; I felt physically ill.

I started to feel better today, I lost myself in my work, in my classes, in my article for the Collegian, in rehearsal. I started the day at 11 wanting to cry, and returned to my room with a smile on my face at 11.

My sister IM'ed me tonight, telling me that she's sick and may need surgery. Shes been sick for the past month - on and off sore throats, strep throats, pharayngitis (spelling, I apoligize). I knew about the strep throats, but not that she was getting worse.

I hadn't heard about any of this from my twice-a-week phone calls home. It hit me like a brick; like a wall coming at me at fifty miles an hour through a windshield. I'm helpless and my little sister is sick, 2 hours south of here. I should be there, but I can't be...shes always been there for me.

If you read this, you may be surprised that I even have a sister...I never talk about her really, but she's always been there for me, my co-defendant in crime, my shoulder to lean on, and I've tried to do the same for had been working out a lot better in recent years. (she's 18 months my younger)

In my Catholic School, guilt-trip inducing mind, it finally got across to me that people have bigger problems than my abandonment issues. This was supposed to be her comeback semester; rebuild some grades, rebuild some relationships...and she hasn't been on her campus for quite a while.

She's getting better, I just found out, but isn't finished getting well yet.

I needed the guilt...she actually made me laugh in the conversation...

So this probably rambles, and makes little sense and feels like emotional slobber; like the neighbor's dog coming up and leaving your face wet with a load of saliva reeking of Alpo.

But I'm no longer despondent, wearing a long face. I might smile when I awaken tomorrow morning.

good stuff
I took the job as AD for Footloose. I'm having a great time, even if it has been just sitting there cheering people on. The show looks great thus far; although no one belives me. Cast, if you're reading this, I've never been as impressed with a Masque show to this point in the process as I am with all rock. On any Sunday sounds fantasic, four part harmony hits like it should, beautiful and succint. Somebody's Eyes sounds good (better than the CD!) and the choreography is coming along...its amazing to sit there and watch it coming together.

In short, you rock.

I'm going to bed now; need sleep. I again apoligize for my spelling errors, my punctuation and grammatical syntactical errors, but it's 2:30am and I have no time for it. writing is an art and I'll punctuate it however I damn well please;

Posted by Matthew at September 25, 2002 02:37 AM
Post a comment