DeMizio's Journal

Rules for La Salle Student Films

Over the course of the past several years, there has been a seeming set of constants governing La Salle student films - at least those that are shown in the Charlie Awards and on La Salle 56. I offer this list then, as a series of rules based on my observations.

(DISCLAIMER - I actively support student films. I think when they're great, they're incredible, and even when they're bad, they offer some artistic insight into life. Don't take these the wrong way, these are all meant in fun. The Charlies keep getting better and better, and I want the trend to continue. So, please, instead of being offended, take some pleasure in it and laugh instead. Remember: it takes fewer muscles in the face to smile than to frown!)

1. Make sure that you add enough generations between your editing copy and the presentation copy as possible. This makes sure that the colors are washed out, the sound becomes garbled, and the film itself becomes static-y and painful to watch...technically.


2. Need a soundtrack? Pick up a Radiohead CD.


3. Forget about what Sid taught you in Video Production about proper mic-ing...just use the on-camera microphone.


4. While you're forgetting about proper mic-ing, forget about the proper ways of using lighting as well. Shoot into the sun, shoot at night with minimal light or in dimly lit interiors - it'll all look great, especially coupled with rule #1.


5. It is a must that your film must contain running themes of drug use. When at all possible, have characters snort, shoot up, or otherwise use drugs.


6. A corollary to the previous: if the drug of choice is cocaine, then it must be "cut up" with the actor's La Salle student ID


7. Emulate Kevin Smith. There are no other directors to emulate. This means: include random conversations about comic books/Star Wars/Sex/other innanity that go nowhere, include lots of profanity, and just otherwise attempt to remake Clerks/Mallrats/Chasing Amy/Etc. Remember: losers innovate, winners imitate.


8. Don't use exotic shooting locations in Philadelphia when you can just use La Salle's campus! Every character in the film must live in North Halls, St. Miguel, The Apartments, or Neumann. Just be sure not to refer to the location by its proper name...make it seem mysterious. Nobody but the La Salle student body, staff, administration and faculty will know that it took place in your bedroom.


9. Be sure to include a shot along the road by the Peale Estate - man, that's a gorgeous shot, and nobody ever goes there!


10. You don't need a tripod. Who needs a tripod? Who needs steady shots anyhow?


11. Your credits should be done in PowerPoint and should not resemble actual, professional credits in any way whatsoever - i.e.:wacky fonts, weird colors, etc. This rule applies to shows on La Salle 56 as well.


12. Corollary to the previous: In your credits, your name should appear no less than 5 times: DIRECTED BY, PRODUCED BY, STARRING, AUDIO, COSTUMES, LIGHTING - these are all intelligent credits to give yourself, even if these are categories that you've ignored (especially if you've been following these rules thus far!)...also consider MUSIC BY, CASTING BY, and GAFFER. Nobody knows or cares what these people do on a real set anyway, so include them!


13. Remember, La Salle is a Catholic school, so be sure and defame and offend God in any way possible. Blasphemy, heresy, whatever it takes...A priest doing drugs? Sure! A nun shooting a gun? Why not!


14. Finally, your movie's title must reveal some deep, inner meaning to your work and why you did it. However it must also serve as a suitable name for a Porn movie.

So there you have it. I'll probably continue adding to this list, but if you have any, feel free and Comment on them

Posted by Matthew at May 27, 2003 12:42 AM