I get an email each month detailing what people search for in the blog archives...this is from this month's email:
Sorry about that image; I thought of that on the way to the bathroom and had to use it. You understand.
Yesterday was bad; I have severe abandonment issues for some strange reason, and everything seemed to point that I was being abandoned. Despite my every action that I've taken in recent memory, it still continues to stack up against me...the aloneness, the solitude, sometimes the emptiness. My search attempts out of this didn't help on Monday night; I knocked, no one answered.
I was tired; I felt physically ill.
I started to feel better today, I lost myself in my work, in my classes, in my article for the Collegian, in rehearsal. I started the day at 11 wanting to cry, and returned to my room with a smile on my face at 11.
My sister IM'ed me tonight, telling me that she's sick and may need surgery. Shes been sick for the past month - on and off sore throats, strep throats, pharayngitis (spelling, I apoligize). I knew about the strep throats, but not that she was getting worse.
I hadn't heard about any of this from my twice-a-week phone calls home. It hit me like a brick; like a wall coming at me at fifty miles an hour through a windshield. I'm helpless and my little sister is sick, 2 hours south of here. I should be there, but I can't be...shes always been there for me.
If you read this, you may be surprised that I even have a sister...I never talk about her really, but she's always been there for me, my co-defendant in crime, my shoulder to lean on, and I've tried to do the same for her...it had been working out a lot better in recent years. (she's 18 months my younger)
In my Catholic School, guilt-trip inducing mind, it finally got across to me that people have bigger problems than my abandonment issues. This was supposed to be her comeback semester; rebuild some grades, rebuild some relationships...and she hasn't been on her campus for quite a while.
She's getting better, I just found out, but isn't finished getting well yet.
I needed the guilt...she actually made me laugh in the conversation...
So this probably rambles, and makes little sense and feels like emotional slobber; like the neighbor's dog coming up and leaving your face wet with a load of saliva reeking of Alpo.
But I'm no longer despondent, wearing a long face. I might smile when I awaken tomorrow morning.
good stuff
I took the job as AD for Footloose. I'm having a great time, even if it has been just sitting there cheering people on. The show looks great thus far; although no one belives me. Cast, if you're reading this, I've never been as impressed with a Masque show to this point in the process as I am with Footloose...you all rock. On any Sunday sounds fantasic, four part harmony hits like it should, beautiful and succint. Somebody's Eyes sounds good (better than the CD!) and the choreography is coming along...its amazing to sit there and watch it coming together.
In short, you rock.
I'm going to bed now; need sleep. I again apoligize for my spelling errors, my punctuation and grammatical syntactical errors, but it's 2:30am and I have no time for it. writing is an art and I'll punctuate it however I damn well please;
I was asked to be the assistant director for Footloose.
I'm excited as all hell.
I'm scared as all hell.
Your pirate name is:
Dirty James Bonney
You're the pirate everyone else wants to throw in the ocean -- not to get rid of you, you understand; just to get rid of the smell. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!
Arr...its "National Talk Like a Pirate Day," me mateys...so git your own pirate name @ http://www.fidius.org/quiz/pirate.php
Yet another entry where the title will probably have little to nothing to do with the content...
Mid-college crisis yesterday. Got really, really depressed all of a sudden at my life on campus. I feel like I have no outside life from my job as an ra. The job just completely sucks the free time away: RAW's, RCR's, HSM's IR's, all the damn acronyms that create deadlines and mountains of paperwork. I'd had a couple of rough nites on duty, can't go into details, but I actually had to document 2 things on a Monday night...usually those are the quietest. It had gotten to the point that I was nothing but a glorifed dorm mother/policeman - responding to things going wrong, instead of helping people do right.
At training every year, they pound it into us that a lot of the helpful stuff we do as ra's won't show in college; it may show after, or it may not. Still, its nice to hear "thanks Matt" from that clueless freshman who needed your help and sought you out especially. Like I said, I was too caught up in doing the "limit-setting"/policeing stuff that the "thanks matt" moments disappeared.
Compounded with that was the growing distance I'm feeling from groups of friends. I can't dedicate hours and hours in their rooms anymore: my schedule won't allow it. My friends now live five minutes up the streets in the apartments. I can't drop by every night and hang out for hours upon hours.
I miss that.
This had really gotten me down. I went back to my room after class and dropped my books down and just kind of watched tv in a depressed daze.
A floor meeting that night saved me; people enthusiastically came and participated, from all three floors. It all got a bit better; the light at the end of the tunnel suddenly appeared. I still have to work out a lot of things with my friends, but I hope... I hope theres time.
After the meeting, I came back to the room and read for 5 hours; having to complete both "Becoming a Man"," and ""the Nibelungenlied" by 2pm and 6pm. Finally made it to bed around 3:30. Up at 12 today. Classes were okay. Tongiht was good; it was just a bad day yesterday, it seems, I hope.
The weekend was okay. Hung out with people on Saturday night after singing at Karaoke. Got a haircut (FINALLY) on Sunday.
That pretty much sums it all up; its been a tough and long week, and its only Wednesday.
I'm involved in an ongoing project to chronicle the history of the Masque of La Salle. Today I made signifigant breahthroughs, as I approached the year 1965. I was able to tie up a couple of loose ends together that had really been bugging me - was "La Salle College Theater" the same as the Masque?
According to Dan Rodden, it was.
This makes my work 90% simpler, because I don't have to differentiate those shows from the '40's and '50's as anything else than Masque shows. And that's what footnotes are for.
Other than that, an okay day.
It feels like it should be Friday based on the work I've done so far this week to today, Tuesday. This is what I have learned so far this semester:
Like I said, been a long week. I have two articles coming out in the Collegian tomorrow in what is a first for me. I, like most people, love to see my name in print. I only hope that the Collegians arrive before my 2 o'clock class begins at 3 o'clock.
For a long time, I've admired the writing of Dave Barry, and I've often wished that I could be as prolific, successful, and succint as he is. He primarily does humor pieces, but every once in a while he comes out with a very well done serious piece of writing/reporting. This is one of those articles.
Peace to all, but especially during this week.
I got the car back today, all in one RUNNING piece...$527.45 was the total, sigh. There goes 2 weeks of Day One and Health Services from this summer... But it runs, and started better than it has in a year, with no funny grinding noise. I lost all the preset stations, though, so have to reprogram those this week.
Went to First Friday tonight, had a great time. Will have more on this, and the events following, tomorrow, after I get some sleep.
But first, some quotes I bought on magnets on 2nd Street:
"Follow your bliss." - Joseph Campbell
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau.
Nite all.
I once argued with my good friend Brian that college was a lot like the real world. My thoughts were aligned along the ideas of preperations and hands on experience in educational activities, but also just the living on your own (or with newly-accepted freedom) aspects too.
This happened before freshman year, and boy was I wrong.
College, I've come to realize, is a second childhood. The smallest evidences of this are silly: chiceken fingers at lunch, naps in the afternoon, and staying up a lot later than you should because "I can do this and still function tomorrow."
But college presents a second childhood for it's students in a lot of other ways, giving them the chance to sharpen those skills they may have missed in childhood. I'm thinking social/interpersonal skills, personally, and for a lot of other people that I've talked to. I went to an all-guys high school, and kind of missed out alot in relationships from grade 9-12. College is doing what hasn't happened yet - shapening that stuff that didn't get sharpened in high school and grade school.
I was just talking to a friend of mine online who was ranting about relationships, and she apoligized for being childish. Thats what got me thinking about this a good deal - it seemed more profound earlier, but f#%* it; it sounds reasonable.
The last couple of days have been good. The floors are awesome. I got a futon. Car will be done tomorrow, $500 for a new alternator and battery. Classes are interesting - I LOVE DOING 3 HOURS AT A TIME.
well, not really, but...its kind of cool to really get into a subject and get 3 hours to talk about it without stopping. whee...except when you get mildly off topic, such as tonight in my Midieval lit class, working through all kinds of, in my opinion, obvious religious issues in Beowulf.
Speaking of midieval lit, its the one class with a professor I can't figure out. The prof is Harty, chair of the English department. He dresses normally for class, yet...to a pair of khaki cargo pants and dress shirt, there is a black "punk" belt with metal studs around. He has an earring in his left ear, which also seems to throw me too... but an awesome guy, able to lecture for three hours without notes.
So like I said, gotta pick up the car tomorrow. Enjoy life, kiddies.
Currently Listening To: "New York City Serenade" by Bruce Springsteen
We go for futon attempt number two tomorrow...I mean today...its tomorrow, because the last 8 hours were stolen from me for duty.
Parents are coming up today for a while, and an attempt to get said futon. To quote the Big Lebowski, "It'll really tie the room together."
Right now I just want to get some sleep...so very tired. I started reading for class today...got through 35 pages on the Catholic University with no problem. Attempted to sit down and begin typing out my newest one-act, "Unnoticed." It was to no avail; I couldn't get the same typing rhythm that I had when I wrote it. This one is incredibly scary because its intensely personal: my other writing worked around some of my emotional barriers. This one tries to break them down.
Like all of my writing, I hate it in its current form...maybe it'll seem better when it comes up on the screen.
Sleep. Here I come.